Haunted Mansion review: Disney theme park ride adaptation will delight kids, bore adults
Haunted Mansion: Shush! Bob Iger is about to make a speech…
Haunted Mansion (PG13)
Starring LaKeith Stanfield, Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, Tiffany Haddish, Jamie Lee Curtis, Danny DeVito, Chase W Dillon
Directed by Justin Simien
Haunted Mansion, about a family moving into a spectre-infested Gothic manor, isn’t very scary — and that isn’t meant to be a criticism. Look, is this supposed to be scary in the first place? Based on the eponymous four-quadrant Disney theme park attraction, this movie is basically a two-hour promo where the SPFX and set décor overshadow the fright factor. The result? A benign light show for kiddos but a painful bore for adults. An earlier 2003 adaptation, starring a post-Pluto Nash Eddie Murphy, suffered from the same deficiencies. The new version, however, isn’t as joyless: it offers more funny moments (take a bow, Haddish, Wilson, DeVito). But they aren’t enough to elevate it to a totally-fun level. For that, you have to check out Muppets Haunted Mansion. Now, that’s funny… and half the running time. (2.5/5 stars) out in cinemas
Asteroid City: Jason Schwartzman and Tom Hanks have a communication problem. (Ed: No sh*t!)
Asteroid City (M18)
Starring Jason Schwartzman, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks, Jeffrey Wright, Tilda Swinton
Directed by Wes Anderson
Anderson’s latest is disappointing… and this is coming from a fan. Given the heaps of memes and spoofs (including a recent The Afterparty episode) inspired by Anderson’s signature aesthetic flooding cyberspace, Asteroid City — about a group of eccentrics congregating at a UFO hotspot in the desert in the 1950s — feels like the lesser work of an artist parodying himself. The characters — way too many vying for airspace — are endearing but there’s an emptiness to their shenanigans. After a while, things become grating. A 2013 SNL skit reimagines Anderson applying his kitschy touch on a horror flick: Make that happen, Wes! (2.5/5 stars) out in cinemas
Sisu: Jorma Tommila likes his revenge served cold.
Sisu (M18)
Starring Jorma Tommila, Aksel Hennie, Jack Doolan
Directed by Jalmari Helander
“He’s one motherf****** you don’t want to mess with,” says one bad guy in this socko WWII-set John Wick-meets-Rambo actioner from Finnish helmer Helander (Rare Exports). Too bad he didn’t heed his own advice. The mofo here is Tommila’s stoical retired commando-turned-gold prospector on route to cash in his find, only to have a Nazi platoon get in his way. Baaaad idea. Gnarly and inventive, Sisu’s slays are gruesomely satisfying — heads up, landmines! There’s even a bike-to-plane chase sequence like the one in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, except it’s a few notches higher on the gonzo scale. (3.5/5 stars) out on iTunes and Google Play
Heart of Stone: Gal Gadot tries to stop her critics at the door: “C’mon guys, it’s not that bad, right?”
Heart of Stone (PG13)
Starring Gal Gadot, Jamie Dornan, Alia Bhatt
Directed by Tom Harper
Gadot’s latest search for a hit outside the Wonder Woman pictures is all hot air and little excitement, much like her previous Netflix gig Red Notice (or 95% of the streamer’s pricey blockbusters for that matter). Except here Gadot is on her own, carrying the weight of this derivative thriller as a superspy pursuing a hacker. Most of the time she is more blah than badass (sorry!). The characters are bland as fudge while the stuntology is Mission: Impossible-lite (Tom Cruise did it better — and for real) and the pace woefully underpowered. This movie has no heart, just algorithm-driven hardware. (2/5 stars) on Netflix
Photo: Robert Viglasky/Netflix
